Moms R Forever

Just As Diamonds, MomsRForever

Collapsed In Front Of Kim And Kanye And Their Faces Are Priceless! — April 22, 2015

Collapsed In Front Of Kim And Kanye And Their Faces Are Priceless!

TIME 100’s gala on Tuesday night celebrated their annual list of most influential people in the world.

The red carpet was filled with celebs, including Kimye, who had the fright of their lives when comedian Amy Schumer took a nosedive right in front of them.

The red carpet was filled with celebs, including Kimye, who had the fright of their lives when comedian Amy Schumer took a nosedive right in front of them.

Don’t worry, Amy wasn’t really hurt. The Inside Amy Schumer star delivered an Oscar-winning fangirl performance as part of a prank.

Don't worry, Amy wasn't really hurt. The Inside Amy Schumer star delivered an Oscar-winning fangirl performance as part of a prank.
Timothy A. Clary / Getty Image

The best part of the whole thing has to be the array of facial expressions:

momsrforever.com
Timothy A. Clary / Getty Images

Enjoy this wonderful range of human emotion up close:

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What moms really wants for Mother’s Day — April 13, 2015

What moms really wants for Mother’s Day

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Obviously we adore those macaroni necklace. And, who wouldn’t need another mug?
Cheerios and syrup for breakfast? In bed? Bring it on!

Moms really cherish everything those sticky hands make for Mother’s Day.

In any case let’s be realistic here. Here’s what we truly need for Mother’s Day?

We need to make tracks in the opposite direction from you. Every one of you.

“I simple. 60 minutes alone will do the trick. Simply an hour to rest in. That is the thing that I need,”

This isn’t a motion for a white tea pedicure or ocean -clean facial. Not a ladies’ night out with margaritas. Not even a shopping spree.

Just. Some. Peace and Quiet.

It’s a sweet thought, this Mother’s Day thing. Why not set aside one day to praise the person who conceived and watch over us?

It’s simply the execution that is all screwed up. Take, the Mother’s Day breakfast myth.

Gracious, I’ve done these. In the early years, I wound up outside, strolling and bouncing my daughter here and there down the walkway outside the fancy cafe. He erled on my nice shirt and sucked on my macaroni necklace while whatever remains of the family stayed at the table, appreciating their meals.

“The thing I despise most for Mother’s Day is going out to eat, Mother’s Day is straight up there with Valentine’s Day and New Year’s Eve — days I dodge going out if I can help it, on those particular days most dine-in places are busy and the wait time is ridiculous”

What about a surprise night out at a restruant in the middle of the week without the kids? Spare me from only one night of supper/dishes/and bath time.

On that night, you imagine I’m out for a top secret meeting and you deal with things at home.

Only thing is there is no meeting. Table for one, please.

7 Ways I’ve Changed as a Wife Since Getting Married at 21 — March 26, 2015

7 Ways I’ve Changed as a Wife Since Getting Married at 21

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Do you know what I hate about men?

The fact that they can exert almost exactly ZERO effort and lose weight — and meanwhile, I am busting my buns to every workout that Jillian Michaels and her manly muscles have ever created and do you know what happens to me?

I gain seven pounds.

Yeah, that’s right. Since giving birth to my fourth child and ballooning up to the biggest I’ve ever been in my life, I still continue to be biggest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’ve been working hard to maintain a positive attitude about it, telling myself that my body tends to hang on to weight when I’m breastfeeding and that I will get there with patience and exercise and a healthy lifestyle. But dang if I’m not freakin’ annoyed that my husband can drop 20 pounds by simply cutting pop out of his daily diet just like that when he decided to hop on my healthy-living bandwagon.

What a jerk.

 

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7 Ways I’ve Changed as a Wife Since Getting Married at 21 —

7 Ways I’ve Changed as a Wife Since Getting Married at 21

MomsRForever

 

Do you know what I hate about men?

The fact that they can exert almost exactly ZERO effort and lose weight — and meanwhile, I am busting my buns to every workout that Jillian Michaels and her manly muscles have ever created and do you know what happens to me?

I gain seven pounds.

Yeah, that’s right. Since giving birth to my fourth child and ballooning up to the biggest I’ve ever been in my life, I still continue to be biggest I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’ve been working hard to maintain a positive attitude about it, telling myself that my body tends to hang on to weight when I’m breastfeeding and that I will get there with patience and exercise and a healthy lifestyle. But dang if I’m not freakin’ annoyed that my husband can drop 20 pounds by simply cutting pop out of his daily diet just like that when he decided to hop on my healthy-living bandwagon.

What a jerk.

There’s a lot that I’ve learned about my husband and myself over the years in our marriage and last night, as I attempted to run three miles in a desperate plea to the universe to help me button my jeans, I thought about all of the ways that I’ve changed since I first walked down the aisle as a young and naïve bride of 21 years old.

1. I’m more secure in who I am as a person.

I realize not everyone gets married as young we did, but I spent the first few years of our marriage in a frenzied, frantic state to figure out who the heck I was as a person. I had the husband and the baby right away, so I felt like I had to have the rest of it figured out too — turns out, it is OK to learn along the way.

2. But less secure with my body.

On the flip side, (my advance apologies if this is TMI) I’m actually a lot less secure in my body, which shows, of course, in the marital bed. I’m still trying to figure out this weird phase I’m in, but it’s almost like I’m in the process of re-learning my sexuality after having kids. Which, I guess makes sense since I am basically dealing with an entirely new body. But it’s been eye-opening to realize how much power a wife’s confidence can have on the entire relationship. Shakira was right, my friends — the hips don’t lie.

3. I’m way more calm.

I often wonder if my hormones have just leveled off after having kids, because holy crap was I a crazy person when we first got married. Or maybe I just have less energy to get worked up about stupid things because I have four little people to keep alive every day, but in general, I’m a much more calm and relaxed person than I was as a newlywed.

4. I’m much more open about my feelings.

You may be expecting that marriage causes couples to eventually run out of things to talk about, but I’ve actually found the opposite to be true — I talk my husband’s ear off about everything now. I used to be the absolute worst about bottling up my feelings, emotions, and stress, shutting down, and then eventually exploding. It took us a while to learn the ropes, but now that I know I have the tendency to shut down, I go overboard to open up and prevent that from happening.

It might mean my husband has to hear about all my feels, all the time, but it’s better than the alternative, so so be it.

5. I accept my husband for who he is.

I had a lot of hopes and dreams for my marriage — I envisioned weekends spent together, cutesy bed-and-breakfast getaways, and of course, traveling the world together in retirement. But it’s taken me exactly seven years and counting to realize that my husband just is not the man who enjoys any of those things. Every weekend means more work in his shop and there will be no world travels in our future, because my husband hates to travel.

There will never be any cutesy weekends spent browsing antique shops and drinking coffee. My husband is just not that person and I had to accept that before I could learn to be happy in my marriage.

6. I know the importance of giving my husband his space.

Again, call me crazy, but I kind of thought that to be a successful married couple, you had to find your solace in each other — almost like spending time together would be the way to charge our respective batteries, so to speak.

But I’ve found that exact opposite to be true. Alone time has always been important, of course, but it took a long time to witness the long-term effects that a severe lack of “me” time — for both of us — can wreak on our relationship as a couple. When you have young kids, sometimes couple time might not even be as important as me time, because that’s truly what recharges our batteries and makes us an even stronger couple.

7. I know how to ask for what I want.

I have learned that our marriage really and truly works better when I ask — specifically for what I want — instead of hoping that my husband will know or getting angry that I have to ask in the first place.

Sometimes it looks like asking for help with housework or telling him I just need to vent or even tossing him a baby and running away for 10 minutes, but whatever it is, I’ve let go of any resentment about asking for what I need. My husband is happy if he knows exactly what I want and need and as a result, so am I.

How have you changed as a spouse since you got married?

I Am Officially Tired of Buying Diapers — March 24, 2015

I Am Officially Tired of Buying Diapers

diapers blog

Well, lately I’ve been wearing the financial pants in my family.  Today I am going to talk about a different kind of pants- diapers and pull-ups, specifically- and the fact that I am officially tired of buying them after five long years.

Tired. Of. It.

I buy pull-ups for daytime and diapers for overnights.  I buy them at the grocery store, the department store, and the drug store- with coupons if I’m lucky.  I currently spend $10-$15 dollars per week on something that adds no value to our lives or to the planet.   I might as well be shreddin’ $20 bills over here!

I Am Officially Tired of Buying Diapers

My oldest potty-trained quickly and easily.  But my youngest?  I’m afraid to say it, but I just don’t think she cares enough at this point.  She’s also busy- real busy- and doesn’t want to stop what she’s doing to go to the bathroom.  She would much rather just pee her pants and continue picking flowers, riding her bike, or playing in the sandbox.  Ewww…  I’m tired of buying diapers, but I also don’t know what else to do.  A few strategies I’m considering:

  • Potty Timer– A relative suggested I set a timer and simply tell her it is the “potty timer.”  Then I just need to take her to the potty any time it goes off.  Perhaps she will think it’s a game and get on board.  Maybe?
  • Naked Weekend– Several people have suggested I let her run around naked outside for a day or two.  The idea is that she might recognize her need to potty better if she literally felt pee run down her leg (as opposed to it being absorbed by her clothing).  That might be possible on the weekend, but I’m not sure how cooperative she would be.
  • Fun Potty Time- Others have suggested adding food coloring to the toilet water or wearing a funny hat when it’s pee-pee time.  Sounds crazy to me, but I’m honestly willing to do anything at this point.
  • Wait- I keep reading that kids who aren’t interested in potty-training might just need more time.  I’ve considered putting our plans on hold for a few months and trying again this fall.

So, that’s it.  I’m officially tired of buying diapers, but must continue to do so for the foreseeable future.  Hopefully I’ll figure out a winning strategy sometime soon.  Until then, I envision lots of laundry, frustration, and tears coming up.  Stay tuned.

Did you have trouble potty-training your kids?  What strategies worked for you?

 

The 50 Shades of Grey In My Marriage — February 17, 2015

The 50 Shades of Grey In My Marriage

fifty-shades-of-grey-movie

Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

Yeah, yeah I know we’ve all had it up to about HERE with the 50 Shades of Gray articles. I mean, really. As my editor cleverly said, which cracked me up: “50 Shades of WHO CARES.”

I certainly don’t care to see anyone’s scrawny butt on the big screen or the little screen, with out without whips and chains, and I certainly don’t have time to consider the deep sexual longings of anyone who uses the words “quivering” and “inner goddess” in the same sentence. Everyone’s got an opinion and frankly, I just don’t care. Get it on with your man (woman? Man/woman? Man who used to be a woman? Bruce Jenner?) how you want to and let’s all move on with our lives, OK?

Great. Glad we had this talk.

Now, what I do find intriguing about 50 Shades of Gray is the concept of what it means to look into that murky middle ground of relationships — to explore the in-between, the inner-workings of what makes two people tick. How there isn’t a right or wrong for any one couple, how we all develop our own secrets and safety nets within the freedom and restraints of marriage.

And it got me thinking about the “shades of gray” that exist in my own marriage — those little things that really don’t make sense to the rest of the world but keep our union trudging along, through light, darkness, and all the shades in between.

The way you can make me lunch on weekends when I’m working.

The way we can hang up the phones on each other, pissed beyond belief, and then two minutes later pretend that nothing happened.

The slow way I breathe to keep it together every time I see your belt in a random place around the house.

The way both of us pretend not to hear the baby when she wakes up at night.

The way both of us wait for the other to move when we can’t pretend not to hear her anymore.

The way one of us will murmur, “Oh, is she up?” when the other finally gives up and gets out of bed.

The way that you taught me what it means to actually fight like a grown-up.

The way you always bring home donuts on Saturday morning even though I insist I don’t want them.

The way I secretly love how you get embarrassed when you watch awkward scenes on TV. (The Bachelor, I’m looking at you.) 

How I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that you are an amazing cook.

The way that 12 years together has flashed by in an instant and we’re closing in on more life spent together than apart. 

The truth is, every marriage has its own shades of gray. I used to think that there were some sort of marriage rules that applied to those who become man and wife, a sort of “follow XYZ and you will have a long and successful marriage!” kind of thing.

Except — now I know that it definitely doesn’t work that way. All relationships have basic components that make up a solid foundation, I think — the basic things like kindness and laughter and concern for each other, but when it comes to the big stuff? Like religious beliefs and politics and red rooms and who does the cooking and the cleaning?

Well, there are a lot of gray areas there.

And sometimes, maybe what makes a marriage tick is best left behind closed doors anyways.

The 50 Shades of Grey In My Marriage — February 16, 2015

The 50 Shades of Grey In My Marriage

fifty-shades-of-grey-movie

Fifty Shades of Grey Trilogy

Yeah, yeah I know we’ve all had it up to about HERE with the 50 Shades of Gray articles. I mean, really. As my editor cleverly said, which cracked me up: “50 Shades of WHO CARES.”

I certainly don’t care to see anyone’s scrawny butt on the big screen or the little screen, with out without whips and chains, and I certainly don’t have time to consider the deep sexual longings of anyone who uses the words “quivering” and “inner goddess” in the same sentence. Everyone’s got an opinion and frankly, I just don’t care. Get it on with your man (woman? Man/woman? Man who used to be a woman? Bruce Jenner?) how you want to and let’s all move on with our lives, OK?

Great. Glad we had this talk.

Now, what I do find intriguing about 50 Shades of Gray is the concept of what it means to look into that murky middle ground of relationships — to explore the in-between, the inner-workings of what makes two people tick. How there isn’t a right or wrong for any one couple, how we all develop our own secrets and safety nets within the freedom and restraints of marriage.

And it got me thinking about the “shades of gray” that exist in my own marriage — those little things that really don’t make sense to the rest of the world but keep our union trudging along, through light, darkness, and all the shades in between.

The way you can make me lunch on weekends when I’m working.

The way we can hang up the phones on each other, pissed beyond belief, and then two minutes later pretend that nothing happened.

The slow way I breathe to keep it together every time I see your belt in a random place around the house.

The way both of us pretend not to hear the baby when she wakes up at night.

The way both of us wait for the other to move when we can’t pretend not to hear her anymore.

The way one of us will murmur, “Oh, is she up?” when the other finally gives up and gets out of bed.

The way that you taught me what it means to actually fight like a grown-up.

The way you always bring home donuts on Saturday morning even though I insist I don’t want them.

The way I secretly love how you get embarrassed when you watch awkward scenes on TV. (The Bachelor, I’m looking at you.) 

How I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that you are an amazing cook.

The way that 12 years together has flashed by in an instant and we’re closing in on more life spent together than apart. 

The truth is, every marriage has its own shades of gray. I used to think that there were some sort of marriage rules that applied to those who become man and wife, a sort of “follow XYZ and you will have a long and successful marriage!” kind of thing.

Except — now I know that it definitely doesn’t work that way. All relationships have basic components that make up a solid foundation, I think — the basic things like kindness and laughter and concern for each other, but when it comes to the big stuff? Like religious beliefs and politics and red rooms and who does the cooking and the cleaning?

Well, there are a lot of gray areas there.

And sometimes, maybe what makes a marriage tick is best left behind closed doors anyways.

7 Legitimate Reasons Why The Only Valentine You Need Is Your BFF — February 13, 2015

7 Legitimate Reasons Why The Only Valentine You Need Is Your BFF

Valentine’s Day can be a rough holiday for a single girl. There is so much pressure placed on this one day, which, for f*cksake was made up by Hallmark to sell more merchandise.

You’re somehow branded with a proverbial plague if you’re not celebrating this day of love, if you don’t have a boyfriend to spend it with — someone to buy you jewelry and someone for you to spend an absurd amount of money on lingerie to be sexy for.

Honestly, Valentine’s Day is kind of bullsh*t. Why should you feel pressured to be in a relationship just because of some stupid holiday conveniently placed in the middle of the most depressing month of the year?

A happily single girl shouldn’t have to feel guilty for being single. Nor should she be made to feel inadequate for not having an SO to buy a card for.

After all, she already has the best SO on the planet: her BFF. Why can’t Valentine’s Day be just as special when you’re spending it with your favorite person on the planet?

Isn’t this day even more important when you celebrate it with your true other half? Can’t this be a time to celebrate the most stable and real relationship in your life?

F*ck boyfriends and f*ck Valentine’s Day. Here are 7 reasons why the only Valentine you need is your BFF.

1. You can eat the whole box of chocolate without judgment.

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While you might feel guilty and gross for scarfing down the entire box of heart-shaped chocolates that’s lying in front of you, your BFF is either taking half of them to the face, or mauling her own box in its entirety.

Why daintily eat your Valentine’s chocolate when you can be the equivalent of The Cookie Monster with zero f*cks given?


2. You can get completely wine wasted.

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Wine might make you feel “sexy” (or whatever) with your boyfriend, but when you’re with your BFF, the two of you have one goal: to get completely wasted.

Nothing says true romance like two bottles of $3 Cabernet and a lot of chick flicks.


3. She’s the best snuggle you’ve ever had anyway.

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Why the hell would you want some sweaty, hairy dude all up in your business when your best friend is the snuggliest snuggler on God’s good planet?


4. She’ll watch “The Notebook” with you and actually enjoy it.

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It’s Valentine’s Day and all you want to do is watch Noah and Allie fall in love in the most unrealistic, mushy manner possible.

Your boyfriend would bitch and moan at the insistence of watching this romantic clusterf*ck, but your BFF is in her in pajamas and has the tissues ready.


5. She listens to your problems and actually gives a sh*t.

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She doesn’t just listen to you out of obligation, she legitimately wants to hear you bitch and moan — and she’ll give it to you right back. Sounds like the best night ever, amiright?


6. She actually knows what you’d want for Valentine’s.

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A bottle of cheap wine, some chocolate and a whole lot of gossip. Duh.


7. You actually enjoy spending time with her.

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You would gladly spend all of your free time with your BFF. You feel no obligation to see her, you want to spend time with her.

You hate everyone, but you definitely don’t hate her.


8. You’re on the same episode of “Gilmore Girls” on Netflix.

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You guys are on the same Netflix flow and, if that isn’t love, I just don’t know what is.

Here’s How You Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You Have Kids —

Here’s How You Celebrate Valentine’s Day When You Have Kids

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Valentine’s Day can be a struggle for new moms. Your husband actually wants to celebrate for once, but you’re not sure you want to leave the 21-month-old baby with a sitter just yet. I get it. So I’ve come up with the perfect solution: a “stay-date.” Put on your little black dress (by which I mean your college T-shirt and yoga pants), follow this stay-date itinerary, and get ready to fall in love all over again.

1. Have some wine and cheese.

Boxed wine and Polly-O string cheese, of course. Nothing says romance like looking into each other’s eyes and peeling some cheese. It’s like when you used to serve exotic wines and fancy cheese platters to guests before you had kids … except not at all.

2. Dance to music.

Turn down the lights and put on Pandora. I’m aware that your only stations likely have the words “Elmo” or “Kids” in them, but your husband won’t notice. He’ll be too busy wondering what that lovely smell is (spoiler: it’s boxed wine, and some perfume he got you back when you were dating).

3. Reread your marriage vows to each other.

Re-declare your love by adding vows that actually make sense now that you’re parents. For example, “I promise to love you even when your mother tells me that Gogurt isn’t real food.”

4. Cuddle on the couch and watch a romantic movie.

Just kidding. Obviously if you do that, you’ll fall asleep, and your romantic evening will be over at the premature hour of 8:00.

5. Share the chocolate your husband got you.

Nothing puts you in the mood for romance like an internal monologue about how skinny you used to be, and berating yourself for not sticking to your New Years Resolution to actually eat green things this year.

6. Read each other poetry.

By which I mean, The Cat in the Hat. Hey, it rhymes!

7. Look through old pictures.

Oh, look! There you guys are on the beach! Look how hot you were! Look at your waist. Look at your naturally blonde hair. Well, maybe this wasn’t the best idea.

8. Tell each other you love each other.

And then just when things are really getting romantic … What’s that? He’s not asleep? Well, you go put him back to sleep and I’ll just sit here on the couch and not … fall … asleep …

Thus ends your magical Valentine’s Day at 8:45 PM. Maybe next year you’ll actually get a sitter and go out. Or, more likely, you’ll just buy another couple boxes of wine